So I had actually completely forgotten I had a WordPress blog. I know that I wrote my only other proper post (if it wasn’t already obvious) when I was in a very bad place indeed. I would say I remember, but to be honest I don’t, really. I was so unhealthy, both physically and mentally, that I’ve blocked a lot of it out.
Now, I’m in a much better place. I still have problems, but a relatively hefty dose of antidepressants has gone some way to making them manageable. My eating is a lot better; my disordered mind wants me to think it’s ‘too good’ now, and that I need to eat less, lose weight etc., etc., but I know that’s not true. I could definitely stand to do some more exercise, but that’s something I know I’ll start to focus on when the more pressing matters at hand have been dealt with.
I’m currently looking for a new job, and I’ve handed in my notice without anything in place. This is terrifying. It could be a lot worse, of course; my boyfriend’s mum has said we can stay at her house for a month, as she’ll be away. My boyfriend has just started a job in the city where she lives, so it works out well. That’s why I’ve handed in my notice – my boyfriend got a job back where we want to live, so we’re going back. It’s not just a case of me following him; I have really not enjoyed working for the company I work for at the moment, and J (my boyfriend) moved here for me, so it’s really my turn. That doesn’t make my current situation any less stressful, though. I’m not even sure why it’s quite so stressful. I’m not going to be homeless, and I have people around me who can help me if I run into financial problems. I think the main stress for me at the moment is that I’m not sure how much more rejection I can take. I’ve had several interviews, and applied for well over twenty (maybe thirty) jobs, and had a combination of rejections and silences.
I went to a good (notoriously so) university, and I have always achieved high grades. I’m creative, and pretty good at learning new skills – although not always. I’m not trying to boast; on paper, these are things I have going for me. They’re not enough, though. Other people have these qualities and three years’ experience in a similar role/similar achievements that I just don’t have. There’s always someone better. This is the case everywhere. There’s probably always someone worse, as well. It’s very hard to hold on to this, though, and not to begin to think that you are the person who’s worse. Worse than everyone and better than no one. I know this isn’t true. I know it. But I’ve got an interview tomorrow and all I can think is that if I don’t get the job (which is highly likely, as it’s a fantastic job, and one I’m almost certainly under-qualified for), I’m going to fall apart. But I can’t. I have to keep going. I have to keep plugging away until I find a new job.
This post hasn’t really gone anywhere. I just wanted to air my feelings of inadequacy in the hope that they would be rationalised in my mind. It’s helped a little. What’s helped more is writing for the first time in a long time. I’m determined to do this more often. It’s easier to sort through your thoughts when you’re focusing on one at a time; you can think yourself into a tangled web, but you can only write one thing at a time.
Until next time (and there will be a next time – I am resolute),